These Four Walls

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I’m feeling very sentimental and nostalgic today, so heads up on a potentially emotional post. This isn’t a blog about clothes or any SL events or anything like that. It’s more of a personal reflective journal entry, so make of that what you will.

Because of both practical and financial reasons, this week will be the last week on the sim we’ve had for over a year. I was just at my house, picking up odds and ends from each room, when a familiar house in the distance caught my eye and the reality of the situation really started to sink in. This was the thing I’d been dreading most about letting the sim go – not my own personal things, not picking up the landscaping or the hundreds of prims, but those memories on the other side of the sim, the things that will never be rezzed again. The things that, once returned, will be put to rest in her inventory along with all the precious photographs, gestures, saved outfits never blogged, all the memories.. everything. I knew eventually this day would come; there will always come a time when you need to “let go”, but I don’t think knowing that makes it any less bearable.

This time of year was always Andrea’s favorite. I, on the other hand, turn into an unbearable scrooge, usually because by this time I’m stressed from school, overworked, and completely sick of being subjected to Christmas music and rude customers for 10 hours at a time at my work. No matter how much I would complain, though, Andrea always used to bring out a bit of Christmas cheer in me. She’d make me watch Elf or The Grinch with her, or drunkenly call me and start singing a Christmas song that I couldn’t help but smile and join in. She’d start a countdown to Christmas the day after her birthday (which was in June) and remind me every day of December how many days we had left to go. The level of her obnoxiousness by the week of Christmas reached maximum full potential. By December 25th, I wanted to buy a plane ticket to Liverpool just so I could punch her.

Last Christmas was especially upsetting because it came not long after the Sandy Hook shootings. I live about 15 minutes from there, and as if the very nature of what happened wasn’t enough to ruin anyone’s holiday cheer, my proximity to the site just made it all the worse. I met with families who were affected, attended Dawn Hochsprung’s wake, and even spoke with one of the mothers on the phone at my work, who was calling to order a pastry tray for one of the kid’s funerals. I remember just sitting in front of the TV that Friday for hours, unable to pull myself from watching the news, huddled up with my cat and my blanket, effortless tears just flowing for hours. Unspeakable things happen every day to people all over the world, this was no rare exception to tragedy. But it hits you on a much more personal level if something so devastating happens so close to home, or so close to your heart.

In four days, we will mark one year since it happened. And four days ago marked the fourth month since Andrea was taken from us. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but time absolutely drags when you lose a loved one. Every day is another day you’ve got to get up and face the world without them laughing in your ear. Every song that comes on the radio you can relate back to what you’re feeling, and you swear whoever wrote that song wrote it just for you. Every night you get into bed not having made one last memory with them, so you sit there for awhile and muse over the memories you do have for the thousandth time. It’s very easy to circle around inside your head and live in the land of suck, focusing only on the negative and the sadness in your life. Some days that’s who I am, and other days I lift my head up, throw myself into a distraction, and I know I will be fine.

Everyone deals with loss. Grief disguises itself with many veils: death of a family member or a friend, a loss of friendship, the loss of a pet, a broken heart, broken promise, a broken dream. We are all human and we all have horrible things happen to us, but we should find some sort of comfort in knowing that we are never alone through any of it. It’s okay to break down and cry because of a trigger that sets you off. It’s okay. It happens. It’s okay to show your emotions to others, it’s okay to pour your heart and soul out to someone else and let them see you at your most vulnerable, because sometimes vulnerable is beautiful. It shows you for what you are. Human. A stunning human being with the capacity to feel something so deep, to form connections and incredible friendships and romances, knowing the risk that some day they will all be gone, but not letting that stop you. That’s fucking beautiful.

That’s what I will be constantly reminding myself these next few days. We are all human. We are all born into this world and eventually, we are all taken from it. It’s not either of those things or the length of time between them that matters; it’s what you do filling up the space in between that counts. If you can get to the end of the day, look back on the day’s events and be content with yourself, and happy with what you accomplished, and even maybe what you didn’t yet.. then you will be okay. You may have tears in your eyes as you fall asleep tonight, and maybe your heart still feels very broken, maybe it will for awhile. Maybe your heart will always be a little bit broken, but you will make it through. I promise.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, you guys ❤

Del x

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